Back To Life

Back To Reality

2022/01/06 English

BGM: Original Love "JUMPIN' JACK JIVE"

Today I saw a blue sky. A brilliant sunny day... as I wrote this once, I remind of the days I had been drunken by alcohol on such a sunny day. I can't drive a car because of autism, so I could go nowhere once. I had just stayed at my home and been alone and drunk a lot of alcohol as saying "Why was I born?" on sunny day afternoons. Ah, what a silly... I cursed the world, politics, and myself. Now, at last, I have got the "self-sized" happiness. So I won't go back to the drunken days. I won't drink again.

Today, as I eat lunch, I thought "What am I doing?". I graduated from Waseda and am sitting here through a lot of events... It was pretty a long, long way. Maybe it is because there were no other choices. But I arrived here after walking the way by my choices. Yes, every choice has been done by me... So I don't want to blame someone else. I want to owe responsibilities of every choice. This life has been caused by my serious attitude. I think so, therefore responsibility of mine begins. And also I can feel that I can drive my life freely.

Once I believed that my job must be the one everyone could do. I still think so. Everyone can do my work... But making hip hop or writing novels also could be the "everyone can do" work. From there, the personality can appear and bring some magical products. That's the secret of work. Then, what can I produce? Today I have done my work. I can't see it can be called as the one by a pro. But I like my work. Is that some kind of self-love or selfish attitude?

The night I read Yoshikichi Furui's essays lightly. "My Essay-ism", "Days Of Soul", and "On Tokyo Story". I have read his writings for a long time. Looking inside myself leads to the truth of human beings. That was his attitude and I have been attracted by it. Now I won't blame or shout my opinion, instead having an interest in myself. What is the thing which attracts me? Why am I so? But now I'm in movie mode so couldn't read them well. I should accept myself which has the waves that control and sometimes interrupt my reading.