Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/12/15 English

BGM: Primal Scream "Don't Fight It, Feel It"

The morning I talked with a user on Discord. He is learning Japanese and said that he has read Seishi Yokomizo's "Honjin Murder Case" and Osamu Dazai's "No Longer Human". I recommended him the books by Ango Sakaguchi because Ango was a good friend of Dazai. In Ango's essay "An outlaw boy and Christ", Ango writes the decision of living on with touching the death of Dazai. I am also feeling that I should touch Ango's works' poison because my heart is getting weak. I felt that I was happy because I could talk with foreign readers like this, and also felt glad to read many books even if I didn't have any purpose. I went to a library and borrowed a paperback from Ango.

Life is s**t. it is nonsense... although I think so, I believe that some "satisfied" moments are exactly there in my life as I enjoyed the game at the English conversation class yesterday. I remember that a sociologist Shinji Miyadai said "From meaning to intensity". The game's pleasure might not have any meaning. But it is still pleasant. If so, I should taste that pleasure instead of chasing meaning. I should feel the intensity itself. That's the way to survive our life... he told us so. I remembered those words and the feeling I had forgotten, and I might have to read Miyadai's movie reviews or sociological essays.

I attended the "stop-drinking-alcohol" meeting. I listened to other members' talk. I remember... I was suffered from alcohol and even I almost killed myself. That time, I strictly believed that my life was at a dead end and I was just a nameless loser. That time, I still had the delusion "I wanna big". Making glory and becoming famous means happiness... I thought like so, and I couldn't become someone. That was real. I had been suffered from the gap between my wish and real, and I had drunk a lot of alcohol. Why could I imagine the current peaceful life? This ordinary life, this peaceful life. In there, a light exists. I hadn't noticed that. Happiness is in there.

At night, I attended a room on clubhouse. I answered a topic that "If you could go back to the past, where would you choose?" in English. I answered that I would go back to the end of the 80s. At that time, Japan achieved "bubble economic growth". I want to touch the atmosphere Japan had because we exactly believed that our growth never ends... I want to breathe the air of that era in which we were active. At that time, I bought a mug cup at a shop that was opened by Masashi Tashiro in Harajuku as a school trip. I'm still using it. Where had that glorious time gone? Everything changes dynamically like this...