Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/12/05 English

BGM: Tears For Fears "Shout"

Today I thought about how would happen if I quit my job. Quitting... I won't. Of course...but I thought that I already knew this feeling. When I was a child, I always thought "How would everybody think if I killed myself?". The members who bullied me would hide the fact of what they always did as bullying? Everybody would owe a regret? Or do they still get alright and laugh at my suicide? ...I have nothing to do even if I quit my job, and also I still have something to do in my company... So I won't. But keeping on still is too hard for me.

It's a little bit different from the feeling that I won't be hated. At my workplace, I am clearly hated by everyone (especially my boss). But I think I already got used to it. I have been always hated and laughed at by everyone since I was a child. So I thought I could be loved by nobody and throw away any illusion or dream of being loved. I gave up on any shape of love... and have been alive till now. Yes, being loved might be a sweet thing but it must be out of hand. It is too high and I can't reach it... So I gave up and trained myself by throwing myself into books. This might be a "protection".

When I was a teenager, I always had an idea. "It would end if I died". This made me alive... it sound like a paradox? Killing myself is one of the ways of my future... At that time, I bought the book "The Complete Suicide Manual" by Wataru Tsurumi and read it. It saved me... If I died, everything became fixed. Everything would end if I did... But I couldn't. The fact that I couldn't kill myself was a pity for me. I even had no courage to do so... But now I won't think that killing myself is the evidence of having courage. Suicide must be out of order even if I tried to think firmly with logic. I remember Okuba Nikaidou's work "The butterfly which has eight legs". She, who must be a brilliant writer who killed herself, finally lost control because of thinking too seriously...

The night I attend to the room by Judith on clubhouse. After that, I attended to another person's room. Oh my gosh! Why do they accept me warmly on clubhouse or somewhere else which is supported by private friendship/relationship? The atmosphere is quite different from my company so I almost get crazy... I have certain vertigo. In there I was praised as a person who has a gift. Like Steve Jobs and Einstein... I remembered I had an idea that I must be hated because I was heresy by reading Taro Okamoto's book, who was quite a heresy at Japanese art. Yes, I am heresy... as Atsushi Ohnita?