Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/11/30 English

BGM: Keitaro Takanami "Cosmic Blues"

Today I did a careless mistake at my company. When I finished my work, I scanned my timecard as the beginning of my work... Yes, it usually happens because of autism but I can't write and show a paper as "because of a careless mistake which comes from autism"... Oh my autism! I think that I am always a troublemaker at my company. In my private time, I have been praised by everyone and my writing has been said as splendid but there I am just an ordinary employee and an outsider who can't be bigger. TBH I think I almost lose my mind when I think about this gap. Who should I trust?

This morning, Judith from Indonesia did a room on clubhouse and I attended there. She always gives me the time and lets me read a part of my journal. Today I read the part about my past and it couldn't be lighter. She told me about her past and embraced me by saying I was special. It's clear that I should be thankful for it. But the more people praise me, the more I should feel the gap which comes from the company's opinion for me which says "useless". This gap is, for me, because of the OS (operation system) in their minds.

That difference of OS might come from the stance which treats autism. Autism is, from my company's bosses and co-workers, finally the source of making fatal mistakes and troubles. The source of silly errors... of course, this autism brings us good effects (for example, the good originality or the different sense). But that goodness even can be treated as distorting their harmony. But, here the more I show my original thoughts, the more readers praise them. These two aspects are totally different like oil and water. What the hell should I do!? I want to be me...

The night, I started reading John. R. Searle' "MiND". Of course, I am just a learner so don't have any special knowledge. But Searle's writing leads me to the journey about mind and consciousness smoothly. But how I read about this kind of book, even I can't solve the problem which comes from "Why I am me" or "Why was I born this person". Even I die, I can't solve it... forever. Today I got an idea. If we get bored with everyday life, why don't we create a pen which can draw something funny on our mask? That's a mask liner! ...Of course, it can't be realized from the sanitary condition. The person who gets this kind of idea... who the hell I am!?