Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/11/28 English

BGM: THA BLUE HERB "The future is in our palms"

If I stay in my room of group home, I become a very selfish person. I think that if everything was good for me... my laziness rules me completely. But if I go out of there and to my office, I find that I start thinking for everyone. For my company, for everyone who works with me... which self is true? I can say that I always show my "good" self to everyone so they must think that the "good" self is a true personality of mine. I'm not such a good person... but both are me. I'm a mystery.

This morning I attended to the room Judith from Indonesia had opened after a long time on clubhouse. She lets me read a part of my journal and she said I was unique. And for her I was special... This "unique" or "special" aspect of me was the essence that made me hate myself and want to die. They were too much for me... The time is changing. This time goes to the future which follows autistic people, and me. But I can't let myself ride such a current because I am a contrarian.

I watched the movie "tick, tick... BOOM!" on Netflix. it was a vivid musical that describes the struggle of an unpopular artist. Andrew Garfield played a schizophrenic person and the movie was quite good. The main character reflected himself who was going to accept the fact he would be 30 years old (even if he became 30, he had to see himself who could achieve nothing). I thought about myself. I became 45 years old which Yukio Mishima had passed away, and 46 years old which Kenji Nakagami had passed away. I could achieve nothing too... of course, I have to live "my" life.

What is consciousness, what is me... I always think about these introspective ideas. Even if we lost our minds, and became like robots and computers which didn't have any souls, we can stay in this world... Maybe I'm misunderstanding but this might be called "Philosophical zombie" (as David Charmers said). Ah, I wanted to become like a zombie as he described... The fact I was attracted by women was the evidence I had a fatal error in my body... I was ashamed because I have a penis... but these writings can't let me go forward. Yes, I have to go forward.