In the morning I listen to Pizzicato Five's songs. They sing about death lightly. "Although I wanna die as I feel blue" etc. I remember the book "The textbook of philosophy" by Yoshimichi Nakajima. In the book, he told me that "The biggest question of philosophy is death". Death... the fact that I have not died doesn't support the prediction that I won't die soon. I can't say that I won't die today... that thought makes me blue. Of course, if we start thinking about possibilities we might have to consider that North Korea would shoot missiles and the world went into World War III. We can't say "that will NEVER happen!".
Today I read Mark Solms's "The Hidden Spring" and think about consciousness and mind. Good grief... what am I doing? I don't want to be a specialist or a professor. But I do this because I might want to share my ideas. You may think that you've already known this but I say that I was lonely because once no one understood my ideas. So I notice that I am "hungry" for the pleasure of sharing my ideas like this. I want sympathy? Agreement? What a needy... Oh my gosh!
Once I treated death more lightly. Death was the final and best answer for me to solve the difficulties of my life. I might be influenced by Wataru Tsurumi's "The complete manual of suicide" which said it could be easier if we consider suicide as one of the ways to live. Thinking suicide becomes a cure... that kind of thinking style can be. But now I won't think suicide. Now I have precious friends so I can't show foolish myself to them. I don't want to let them down... and I want to do more.
If I start working at my company, I must follow the purposes my company chases. I want to try to believe the purposes my bosses and co-workers believe. But on the other hand, I want to use the system of job supporters in my company. I want to realize that idea... and in my private life, I want to live more easily and finely. I live in such various purposes so I might lose what I should follow as the final purpose of my life. A friend of mine keeps on supporting hikikomori people and doesn't lose his purpose. Everyone has their dream and purpose. I might have to draw my future again.