Every day I write my journal in Japanese and English. Nowadays I'm wondering if my English is really getting better. Native speakers say that my English contains many mistakes. And I am also embarrassed with my English when I read my articles later. A lot of unnatural expressions and careless mistakes... People say that my English is getting better but I can't feel that fact. I'm staying still? This might be the limit of progress? I think like that and almost lose my motivation. But I will write.
In the field of quantum mechanics, I heard there is the word "Quantum Jump". If I gain energy, that energy brings the effect "jump" suddenly. That kind of change is called "Quantum Jump". Now I'm gaining my energy as practicing English every day. It might bring me sudden change. As having that kind of hope, I write my journal in English today. I enjoy writing itself and concentrate on my performance. I believe that it leads to a certain change.
Today is a payment day. I get money and think that my life isn't getting better. I thought that I should be suffered from this cheap salary in this life. If I got money, I wanted to buy Louise Gluck's poem's hardcover. But I should stay still. Oh, I'm 46 years old... but my generation has this kind of people a lot. What will happen in my older stage? I remember... just drunk all days and thought that now I felt happy was OK. That's enough... I thought like that. I don't want to go back to that life. I do what I can do.
I started writing memos for the meeting next Thursday. I don't have any policies about my bag so I carry an "eco-bag" which I bought at AEON with a help-mark and keys. In the bag, I have three or four books. That's autism... I can't drive a car, I write my memo pad in English, I have read 1000 books in these five years... I still have the topics to talk about. I want to enjoy it. I don't like "effort". Shouldering suffer and waiting for happiness... I don't want to wait. All I want to do is just enjoy the current time. I do such a lifestyle.