人生は上々だ

Life is good.

Bewitched 1 English

Anyway, that was quite a nightmare period... a tweet said so. It was about 10 years ago. The period that our people had changed the party that govern this country (so-called "Regime Change"). But TBH I don't have any certain memory about that period. Yes, I think that it was a true disappointment (because it was a "nightmare"!). However, I had had very hard work at my office and also had a serious drinking problem. These were a "double whammy" for me. Therefore I can't remember even 3.11 enough. I had got drunken daytime and had gone to the convenience stores at night. I remember...

After a while, I read Yoshikichi Furui's novel "Shirowada". "During saying nothing, I sometimes feel that the pot itself on the shelf back of mine stay silent, not this myself. From the bottom of the pot which vacuumed the silence, something starts making some noise which spread over the ground". Yoshikichi Furui writes like this. From my reading, if I stop making sounds from myself and the outer world also stop making, in other words, if we start keeping no sounds anywhere then the silence itself starts making some noise... that might start. We Japanese represent silence as a sound "sin". Then, the "sin" starts sounding loud and reaches our brains... that make sense?

In my case, I play music when I stay in my room. This music is, however, not for listening to the music. I should say I want to avoid listening to "sin" in my ears (or brain?) so I play music much. Of course, I want to feel a great melody and groove. That is also a purpose. But I feel awkward if there is no sound in my room. The room with no sound is, this might be too poetic but, the space silence hits my brain directly. Therefore I feel uncomfortable. Talking or listening to the radio makes me ease.

Today I went to a library and borrowed Toshiyuki Horie's essay. The title is "nonstandard‐size mail" and that's the latest. I read books because I feel uncomfortable if I read nothing. One of the characters of ADHD people is the trait that they can't stop reading various meanings in front of everything. I read that from any bubbly paperbacks or silly tweets... anyway my mind always moves and never stops quietly. I listen to, read, and think.