Today I talked a little on clubhouse as usual. I felt anxiety so confessed to a person then he said "Alright, you can do!", and I cried a little again. My heart has been tired. I thought I had a rest deeply yesterday but I have to endure this problem unless I get rid of this cause of the stress of relationship at my office. I feel nervous... I feel moved by the things the person said to me... Tomorrow, Tuesday is a day off for me so I want to talk to him deeply if possible. I should keep on my work? I want to talk about this...
What have I learned from my work? I thought about that. I have not thought I would keep on this job but it takes about 20 years since I started my job. I have to do the things I should do without thinking about my emotion, especially anxiety. I have to move my body, then my mood follows my body. There is unknown power in me. The experiences exist in my body exactly. Just I should trust it. I have learned these kinds of things as truth from my work. I want to talk about this with a person from Kyrgyzstan.
Now it seems I am depressed. So I can't see what I should write in this journal. Ah... someday I would be big, I would quit this job... But I couldn't so I had committed suicide at last. I had drunk a lot of alcohol... I must be happier than these days. Now there are people who stand by me. I meet them at the meetings, or I meet them on clubhouse. They see my real figure. I am just useless at my office but they treat me as an important man. It's pleasant.
On clubhouse, or WhatsApp. I have made a lot of friends. I can't show miserable myself to them if I want to treat them preciously. I am embarrassed because today I wrote a lot of silly things on LINE without losing calm. What can I do now? What should I do? I want to go back to the basics. All I have to do are writing this journal, watching movies, reading books, and learning English. If I forgot these basic things, I could do nothing. Now, if I am depressed, it's OK. I should do my routine duty.