At last, I spent all day using clubhouse. Today was a day off so I thought I would watch some movies but I couldn't have such a feeling. Thinking about the problem I have at my office, I couldn't think what I would want to do... I even thought I would record my broadcasting but my inner voice said "Why should I do such a thing?"...So I went to various rooms and talked about several things in Japanese and English. About my problem, a woman gave me precious opinions from her point of view. I can't stand that kind of position...
Therefore I couldn't read any book and do anything. My motivation went on in vain. I could talk with my group home's staff. Now is the time I have to go over the wall so try not to do overwork and also not to hurry. At clubhouse, I was also praised so I thought I should accept them. In these five years, I have had several chances to be praised or accepted, and I am getting to be able to get these praises and make them my power. Once I hated myself too much and threw away these kinds of praises because of too much modesty...
I'm not alone... I'm glad about that. When I was bullied at school, or when I was suffered from some power harassment at my office, I had been alone absolutely. No, I lived with my parents so I should ask them what to do... but I didn't want to make worries to them so I tried to owe all of them. At last, I drank a lot of alcohol... Dying by alcohol would be the best way, I had that kind of extreme idea... but now I'm not alone. There is some person I can share this worry with. I want to celebrate this. Tomorrow I have to work. Little by little, I do with the pride of pro.
Discussing in English on clubhouse, The things I thought but not made as words have come as language. Or, after speaking them, I sometimes was surprised as "Oh, I have thought these kinds of ideas!?". It might be the interesting meaning of communication. I have never thought I can open myself like this. Don't hesitate (or I can hesitate but I shouldn't make modest lies). Be me. This might be a problem of getting used to. I have a naturally loud voice so people might think I have pride in myself. Yes, it can be.
