Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/09/02 English

I am thinking about what the "dream" is. I might be influenced by Susumu Sogo's columns I had read recently. This might be a shameful thing but I don't have any so-called certain dream now. Once I had the dream which I wanted to be a pro writer or a famous blogger. So I had tried very hard to become such a person. But I couldn't become. It's OK. Just because I had no talent so I gave up my delusion. But the problem is the fact that "Life still goes on". Anyway, I still should live my life. Should I watch the movie "La La Land" which describes giving up dreams? I don't like that movie, but...

Maybe I don't have any dreams, but I can feel the fact that my friends are glad to read my writing if I write the things I want to write (Ah, even foreign friends accept my writings!). Then, the core of my dream which is "I want to praise someone by my writing" has come true. Then, it's OK I think. This might sound bad but it means I could give up my dream. But sometimes giving up can be important, can't it? Chasing dreams and not giving up may lead to us worse situation. Then, giving up might lead to us better life. Of course, the person himself/herself can be the only person who knows which life is better.

I wake up at 5 am and write this journal. I go to my office and do my work. At 1 pm I go to AEON and buy a lunchbox (today I ate the lunchbox which contained pacific saury). I go back to my group home. If I have time, I watch a movie at night. That's my life. Oh... a retired life? I am not in a great position at my office so I don't have to owe any responsibility. I am also not a hard or serious worker. Days pass by peacefully... Maybe dreams disappear because of such a lifestyle of mine. But then, what should I do? I can't see... I think that living steadily is better than dreaming. If I live life with such an attitude, then I can find something again...

This idea might be from the influence of the novel "Simple Life" by Akira Abe I had read recently besides Susumu Sogo's columns. I have read this novel twice and thought that it was a profound novel. The author is around the same age as me (the middle of his 40s) and he writes his life as a kind of essay-like novel which is about his wife and sons with his writing work. This tells me the mature/depth of him who tries to build his sincere life and find tiny but precious happiness. Yes, we had the people who had talent and lived chaotic life as Osamu Dazai and Housai Ozaki. But I am not them. It looks like I am a person who has to live honestly and write steadily. Oh... I want to write about Haruki Murakami but I have written too long!