I've read "The Complete J.G.Ballard's Short Stories Volume 2" which I had started reading yesterday. The stories which describe obsessions or addictions are impressive. We live to search and get things by our desires. We eat and we buy things because we want. But if these desires are not our things but ones which society makes us want? How do these desires become if other people make us want something? Keeping these questions, Ballard's short stories still ask us severe questions. I remember my experience. I also have the books which I can't remember why I had wanted them or have regrets for drinking alcohol too much.
Keeping these questions, I have read Kouichiro Kokubun's "The ethics of freedom and boredom" slightly. We live in a consumer society so there can be the possibility that makes our desires which let us want various things we basically don't want. For example, when we listen to music by subscription, we listen to the music which the subscription can provide (we can't listen to music the subscription doesn't provide). This might be difficult so I won't write more but this thinking is thrilling. The keyword "boredom" which is in this book is also interesting. I felt the author's gifted talent at the part he criticizes boredom with Heidegger's concept "boredom (with no reason)".
In the afternoon I attended an online meeting. I talked about myself. Once I couldn't allow the existence of mine. I wanted to die and had the idea which everyone also wanted me to die (I could understand the people's minds which enjoyed "the funeral pretend"). I had kept that kind of feeling and grew up. At 20 and 30... a girl who I loved at my 40 changed me. I thought I could start loving myself. Kenji Miyazawa tried to describe himself with the word "The phenomenon of myself". I might be "a phenomenon". The ideas or actions I do, and also the facts these phenomenons tell... Oh, why can't I write these things easier?
The night I've watched David Lynch's "Lost Highway". Of course, Lynch's movies are difficult to understand. But sometimes I want to read them deeply if I get excited (it means they sometimes might become so easy to understand). This time I have watched from the point of view of "double self". Me and another myself. It means another myself in myself, or myself out of myself (Doppelganger). I am afraid if there is such myself. I must get want to watch this movie because I get the primal fear like that. Like enjoying horror movies... no, I can't tell the exact reason with proper words. Why do I want to watch movies by the desire which can't be described by languages?