Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/08/20 English

Today I said that I'm enjoying chatting in English at a chat group on LINE. A person said to me that I must be a genius. Genius... this kind of topic reminds me of the lyric of the song "Sorani Miagare" by the Japanese rock group Magokoro Brothers. "No important things there/I do the things from easier step to another step little by little/No important people there/I am always here". I want to remember the point of view that everybody is a human being even if the person is at an incredible stage or does brilliant works. Even I think that I am less than the person... I sometimes think "Oh, he/she is more brilliant than me!" or "I am just a loser comparing to him/her!". But everybody is a human being so sometimes does mistakes. Therefore they have the worth to be loved.

On working, my body automatically moves and my finger also does without thinking bothering things by my head. My body moves naturally without remembering my memory. Everything goes naturally and I don't need fatal processes. So, memories are in my body, not in my brain... I write nonsense like this. Today I borrowed the books "Simple brain, complicated self" and "Brain works unequally for no rational reasons" so maybe they affected my thought like that. I didn't know the author but he writes important things, therefore, I can't take him as just a paperback writer.

In the heart of my mind, I have a huge curiosity to know everything. Probably it is stronger than everyone. If I am the person who should be called a genius, then the reason might be from this strong curiosity. Therefore, I've read 1000 books and also listened to music, watched movies, and also worked... but this curiosity doesn't bring me happiness every time. Once I bought too many books so lost money, or I drank a lot of alcohol so almost die. This monster in myself always makes me sick.

Oh, my school days... I had been bullied too much so I just had read books with thinking that I wouldn't need friends because friendship means weakness. They couldn't manage their weakness so needed friends... I tried to believe so. I tried to kill the emotion which feels loneliness. Emotion was always too much for me. Emotion was just a noise when I read books. I wanted to be a reading machine... I thought so. Now, I feel lovely with this emotion which is full of bugs. I can't get stronger, but I still live on. I remember the lyric of The Blue Hearts. "We can't be saints, but staying alive is good".