Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/08/10 English

I remember... it might be about 5 years ago. I had heard that some people in my town would have a meeting about autism. I went there because I had thought that I could speak or tell something as an autistic person. Just that was my reason. Then... the meetings about autism have been done until now. Oh, that encounter was fatal or just an accident... My life has been just junk until that time but that was a true starting of my life. God gave me this event. Oh, I had thanked for this life. If I hadn't met everyone, I would die by alcohol.

I couldn't open my mind, and tell everyone my thoughts... I had experienced bullying and power harassment. I had lived a hard time with reading books every time... When I had done the test for checking my autism, the doctor said to me that I had a spirit for becoming greater than others. Yes, when I was laughed at for my hobbies or tastes, I felt bad and studied hard for beating others with my knowledge. Since I was a student, I wanted to beat everyone... I won't say it was a happy period. I won't say that beating everyone by knowledge was meaningful. I want to be a person who can "share" knowledge.

Does life have any meaning? Does to live to have something meaningful? I had thought that kind of idea seriously. I was bullied so... I couldn't see why I should live "even" I had been already unhappy... We can live our lives without thinking about that problem. Just doing the happy things. Love, smile, eat and walk. Doing such things without thinking brings us happiness, which can be the core of our life... that's life, isn't that? Now I'm listening to Hikaru Utada. Her sensitive and sophisticated sound and delicate voice heal me. That's enough. I just have to appreciate this state I can feel happiness. Do we need any meaning?

I've watched F. Gary Grey's "Straight Outta Compton". It was a powerful drama that shows black peoples' anger toward the police and society with rap/hip-hop. I don't agree with their anger completely but can't see it easily. I also feel anger or sadness at my processes of work or private life. I won't be afraid of declaring my opinions.