跳舞猫日録

Life goes on brah!

2022/08/07 English

BGM: U2 "Stay(Faraway, So Close!)"

I googled about the service Midjourney. I heard that this one is for drawing various pictures by entering some English keywords into AI. I can make 25 pics for free so I tried to draw it. I tried to do a fake Gorillaz, a British pop band's jacket by it (or I let it to draw it). Does it look like? Ah, an interesting age comes... I have no knowledge about painting, but we might be able to get the pics as "Tadanobu Asano by Andy Warhol" or "Scarlet Johannson by Kyoko Okazaki" within 5 minutes in the near future.

This morning I attended an English studying club. We read a speech by Barak Obama in 2009 in a circle. It was really hard. This speech has no complicated expressions because it was held for students in a school, but we have not to 'read' but to 'translate' so I have to check almost all words' meanings strictly. It showed that I read very rapidly and loosely. Therefore I often felt embarrassed, but I could get the meaning of 'translating' something from this reading.

Afternoon, I learned that Shinmon Aoki had passed away from the top page of Yahoo!. I can remember his "Noukanfu Nikki" as an interesting book. He once had stood the place very close to the bodies, and he tried to clean them and send them to heaven. That was his job. It was written vividly and sublimely so I believe it is everlasting. And it provided a great movie "Departures". I have watched it and thought it was interesting. Me, I sometimes feel that my job is bullshit, but following Shinmon and doing it with my mind would move someone's mind, and the work could change this world. I believe so. He was exactly great, so I wanted to learn from him more. R.I.P.

At night, I read Hiroshi Osada's "Nostalgic words". This poet stands between two paradoxical things I guess. Verbal things and nonverbal things. Written rules and unseen rules. It sometimes seems wishy-washy, but that kind of multiple points of view make this collection of essays profound. I have read his poems by "Hiroshi Osada complete works", and found he used to stand the space, and used the silence and echoes unless writing a lot. I can't understand poems, but his poems are my favorites. But the intellectuals might not like his because they are not the ones of verbal experiments.

2022/08/06 English

BGM: Yasuyuki Okamura "Daisuki".

I can remember about 23 years ago. I had graduated from a university in Tokyo, but couldn't find a good job so came back to my hometown. I spent about half a year as a 'NEET'. The doctor said to me like this, "You might have to start a certain work as getting back to society", and I started my career. Until now, I have worked at the same place... and about 7 years ago I encountered a person, fortunately, and learned about the 'job coach' system. I have tried to use it in the workplace, and it will start.

Ah, 23 years... during that period I learned about the fact that I am an autistic person and had to accept that I shouldn't be normal anymore. Once I was at the bottom of the depression. I had started a habit of drinking alcohol while I was finding a job, and I couldn't stop it by 40. I even thought that I could die with a lot of alcohol in my 40, the age Kafka had passed away. But life is beautiful. I met various friends, and by that, I started facing my autism seriously and thinking about its possibility again. I might have to say this with R.E.M.'s album's name. Life's rich pageant.

Once I thought... it must not be the end, I would be more significant, my life would turn over everything with my novel! Indeed, I thought that and tried to write a novel. I can't stop writing even if I can be a pro or not, so today I thought that I would write about English inspired by XTC's album "English Settlement". I am not a person who lives with nostalgia, but now I think that I have lived in very deep 23 years and in many troubling situations. They exactly let me grow up. Yes, great 23 years. I might not be a loser even if I couldn't be a pro.

Yes, I am not so young that I might have to think about death I will encounter, or about retired days. I am quite a random person so in my 50s I would be into Rakugo (Japanese traditional comedy). Or I might be able to encounter a soulmate finally. Or I would do brand new things I can't imagine at this moment. But however my life would change, I would be me and that's a simple truth. I should read Charles Dickens whose novels I have not read in my life because they seemed too classic. It is not because I want to stand over other readers, but to enjoy another taste of this world.

2022/08/05 English

BGM: The Smiths "Meat is Murder"

Today I worked late. In the morning I read Yoko Tawada's "Broken Muttering in Fever". I can't see how I should describe her attitude. I had thought that she must be smart. That means that she must have very intelligent senses that enable her to express herself in Japanese and German freely and smartly. But this essay collection tells me that she is a writer who tries to face the paradoxes of two languages with herself, and she also tries to live inside that chaos. Yes, she has great 'meat'... I thought of this with the guide my Japanese, but it sounds too erotic.

Stéphane Mallarmé had said that "La chair est triste". If I translate this into English, it would become "Meat is sad". I can remember that Jun Togawa, a Japanese female singer sings "I am a cluster of meat". Both of them use the word "meat" to describe themselves, with a pessimistic tone. So this expression can say that they are very powerless. If I called her 'meat', it would also be very brutal and pessimistic. I want to call her a 'body conscious' writer.

I had time so I started reading Hiroshi Osada's "My favorite solitude". His keen sense of language works well. He writes about the pleasure of nonsense poems, and also about giving names to something. I can remind of XTC's pop songs I am listening to recently as 'nonsense'. I know that Japanese popular songs are basically love songs, and I think that might be evidence of the fact that Japanese people are square. Probably we need more songs that contain nonsense words on pop melodies. I like Yosui Inoue's nonsense songs.

About the name, I had started calling myself a 'disco cat'. When I had to call myself a new name on the internet, I didn't want to use my real name so just started using 'disco cat', which came from the music I was listening to, which was Takkyu Ishino's "throbbing disco cat". It might be not any fresh or stunning name. It wouldn't appear on the surface even if I tried to do 'an ego search. I like this name.

2022/08/04 English

BGM: Yes "Owner of a Lonely Heart"

Today was a day that was fine in the morning but changed into hard rain in the afternoon. An unsettled day. I read Minae Mizumura's "Shi-shousetsu from left to right" with Lou Reed's songs such as "Walk On The Wild Side". TBH I have read this novel once. But at that time I was too young to understand why this novel was written horizontally or why this novel was written in both English and Japanese (in short bilingual) completely. Now I think I can see. I can go into this novel if I get used to this talkative style smoothly.

Indeed, this might be too deep reading, but when I read this "Shi-shousetsu from left to right", I can see that Mizumura's enjoyment of finding her own style to write this novel. The enjoyment that she can talk about her truth freely with this style. I guess the truth is that about the divided state of growing up with reading Japanese literature in America or living the lonely life of mental exodus. She wanted to express her loneliness so she needed to take English that creates her thought in her writing in Japanese.

I try to think if I can write MY "Shi-shousetsu from left to right", or my "Less Than Zero", or my "Bright Lights, Big City"... Once, about 5 years ago I tried to write a long novel of mine with the wish it could be a debut novel in public, but a reader had said "you don't seem to be good at this work. Quit", and I quit. Now, how it has changed? All I can write is just this kind of journal or essay, so I have no talent for fighting my monster and keeping writing that as a novel. That can happen. This world has some genius short novels like Barry Yourgrau.

But, this might come from the attitude of ignoring readers, I think that I should write my novel as a detox or cure for myself even if it can't be a masterpiece. "Shi-shousetsu" as my memoir. But I think just writing my experiences only can't be funny, so I might have to write my delusion or daydreaming into it and make that a kind of 'tall talk'. Exactly, like Barry Yourgrau. I want to think about what I can write with other Mizumura's novels. I don't need to hurry. I want to use my imagination freely like Yoko Tawada, more and more.

2022/08/03 English

BGM: XTC "Red"

A day off. In the morning, I started listening to "English Settlement" by XTC, a treasure of British rock. When I started listening to British rock, it was the period when Britpop was hot and Blur and Oasis were popular. So XTC was already a kind of legend and I might try to 'respect and keep distance' from them. I have not listened to them passionately. But now, I can feel that their tricky melodies are attractive. Even if I believe that Blur and Oasis are great, I should listen to XTC with them. That makes me understand the richness of British rock.

I went to a library and borrowed Keiichiro Hirano's "About the executions". Once I had written that I support the executions negatively. Hirano's this book is written with the attitude of 'stopping' executions, and tells how 'forgiving' the criminals can be crucial. And also he says that the 'death penalty' can be a murder by our nation critically. Before we say that this might be an ordinary discussion, we have to follow Hirano's serious style and face the intimate people's death's sadness and try to think about the possibility of 'forgiving' someone. Also, I should think about the execution by following Hirano's great humanism.

I read some comments by a Chinese woman in America on bookmeter. Indeed, her comments have some strange Japanese expressions but they are really interesting. Probably my weird English gives the readers that kind of taste. Certainly, I felt certain jealousy of her smart talent of language (in the past I would be down with my dumbness), but now I can say "Good Job!" to her. It might come from the attitude that I try to compare with the past in my life, not with other people, and think about a priority. But it must come from the 'danshu' meetings and other friendships.

I read a text of Obama's speech (in English) for an offline meeting on studying English on next Sunday. After that, I read some of Suzumi Suzuki's "The bookshelf of a prostitute" and Minae Mizumura's "Shi-Shosetsu From Left to Right". Suzuki's book can work as a good book guide, and this book says about Osamu Hashimoto's "Peach Hip Girl" which gives me interest. Once I had not read Hashimoto's novels well, but been attracted by his thoughts on the Gulf War and Religion. So I might have to try to read his 'evergreen' youth novel.

2022/08/02 English

BGM: Seiji Toda "Slow Ballad"

I've read Yoshio Kataoka's "How to live by the Japanese language". Kataoka's explanation goes exactly steadily as his "Outside of Japanese". Or if I explained negatively, his style could be very slow and not easy to understand. Of course, it is because he hates 'nonverbal' understanding and always tries to tell his opinions to others who might have another one. I have been impressed by his honesty. He says that the Japanese language goes with the speakers' subjective, and I thought that in a way his narrative is very 'English'. Absolutely he tries to tell himself rationally and clearly and waits for critical opinions. Very awesome.

I use English on Discord, WhatsApp, and LINE. And also I write articles like this in Japanese and English for a long time. Now I find no strangeness in speaking English and can feel that English comes from me naturally. Once I had been haunted by 'internationalism' and 'globalization', and also felt a certain pressure of being good at using English (such as other skills). Now I don't feel that inferior complex. Of course, it does not come from the reason why I can speak English well (I guess those true internationalists must be able to speak three languages), but that I can accept 'this myself' naturally.

'This myself'. That means that I accept the person who couldn't become Haruki Murakami or J. K. Rowling even if I adored them and tried to become the writer. And it also means that I have lived and become 'this myself' by passing through the way of my one life. I can feel that I have lived my life by this body... then I can think that this life has its great taste. This might sound rude, but Haruki and Rowling couldn't live their life without any alcohol for seven years (of course, this way of thinking becomes a game of superiority easily).

Nobody is perfect or smart. Human beings can make mistakes. How to make the opinions or thoughts by that absolute fact. It is the idea of conservatism (at least, I understand so). I am a person who has many mistakes or paradoxes (in public I try to be honest, but in private I feel into some lewd desires). Therefore I am learning the way of thinking of 'liberal conservatism' as Takeshi Nakajima says. I always try to doubt myself because I can make mistakes. Making mistakes is not shameful, but not learning from those mistakes should be shameful. I have learned that toughness and sensitivity by learning English, even if that is still difficult to learn for me.

2022/08/01 English

I heard the news that the person who had cared for me passed away, and a night passed since it. Today I worked late. I thought of the works he had achieved in his life. He had decided not to drink and also worked hard to build the 'danshu' meeting. Therefore the meeting has been realized. Yes, he did in his whole life. That makes me think that how passion can work. Can I do that kind of thing? I can't see. The media wouldn't treat his works, but his ones are exactly great therefore I am impressed deeply.

I read Minae Mizumura's "The time when the Japanese language perished". The author laments the reality that English grows up as a global language, and the Japanese language becomes a minor language as one of a remote religion. She says that kind of realization of 'the century of English' has been with the growth of capitalism and the development of the internet. This must be a masterpiece (her writings are like full-contact wrestling. Attacking the Japanese by herself alone). I have some suspicions about her discussion, but those ones can be the possibility of new discussions. This book can work as a huge chance for a primal discussion.

I'm writing my novels and journal in English and Japanese. But I have to criticize myself because I use English in an innocent, or a foolish way. My usage of English is not so serious because the authors who write in creole language sometimes have to face using English with a dilemma. I just use English because I want to read mine to native friends, and that's just all. So I have to follow Mizumura's serious attitude. I want to read her novels.

But I think that I just accept traditional Japanese and junk Japanese as the same 'funny' stuff. I like Kawabata, Tanizaki, and Souseki's Japanese as sophisticated ones. But also, for me, the junk Japanese in light novels can have the same value for me. And also if the slang we can find on the internet can be a reflection of the reality we always face, then we should accept its seriousness. Japanese has developed with that kind of diversity, or mixture, until now. Ango Sakaguchi might say that 'that is very Japanese!'.