2022/01/10 English

BGM: Kenji Ozawa "Lovely"

This morning I felt sick seriously. Living itself was sick enough... But I wrote my journal, as usual. And I washed my clothes, took a bath, and had breakfast. I went to AEON, had lunch, and wrote what I thought on my memo pad. In short, I did what I usually do today. Then I found calmness. I thought about the power of doing the routine as usual. Even if I had no power, no motivation, I should do my routine. By the guide of my body... then my mind follows my body's movement.

I'm thinking about the novel I want to write. As writing it, I want to write my Waseda days. I had never thought I wanted to go to Waseda. My brother recommended me to go so I went there and took an exam as a kind of sightseeing (I wanted to see what the big capital Tokyo was). Then, I passed the exam so I became a student of Waseda. So I have no special memory about Waseda but it must be a rare memory. Not funny memory... but I want to remember what I thought at that time and write about that. I don't have to hurry. I just write that.

At least, I can say that it was an unhappy, miserable period when I was a Waseda student. I even tried to find a part-time job but I could find nothing because I was an autistic person and therefore I couldn't manage any meetings. Finally, I lived these days with my parents' money. I could find no jobs when I graduated from Waseda... I could find no friends so I just read a lot of books. I had experienced being bullied until I was a high school student, so I thought/believed all of my classmates were my enemy. I was quite an idiot. I want to write that.

I think about my friends. Now, I have many friends on Facebook, MeWe, and Discord. I also have real friends. For them, I want to write that novel. It must not get popular. That's OK. I need no material success (of course, getting buzzed is pleasant). If my friends get pleased, that's enough. But today I have no time so tomorrow I will start writing step by step. The title is "To Marco Stanley Fogg".

2022/01/09 English

BGM: Flipper's Guitar "Coffeemilk Crazy"

I wake up today. At the time I usually do. I write a journal and do laundry. I also have breakfast. I want to do these works even if I was depressed. Of course, sometimes I don't want to do them. I can live life without writing any journal. But doing these things stay in my body so I can't stop doing them. This morning I was really depressed. Today was a day off so I thought I should stay in my bed and rest peacefully. But I felt anxiety so lined with a friend of mine. She recommended me the movie "On the Basis of Sex". I tried it and found that It was really a good movie.

After "On the Basis of Sex", I watched the documentary "All In: The Fight for Democracy". And the night I watched the movie "Good Vibrations". From this year I watch movies more and more. What will I do with these movies? I won't become a critic or a director. But now might be that kind of season for me so I move with my mind's guide. After the action, it becomes a road. Joining the current company also was a trial I had done with courage.

When I got my 40s, I started the habit of watching movies. It was the same period that I stopped drinking alcohol. I record the movies' memories on Filmarks, and it says that I have watched about 700 movies until now. Sometimes people say that I'm a cinephile. But I don't think so. My way of the watch has a strong uniqueness so ordinary cinephiles' watching is quite different from mine. I'm writing the reviews nobody had ever tried to write. Of course, it might not be the fact that I am not a great watcher.

I will get two days off so I want to go back to my parents' house. I don't have any plans to do it if I go back there. But meeting with them might be one of the things I can do for them as a gift. I remember that I was born as this person, this strange son for them. I thought my existence itself was shameful and had the wish of killing myself. It was like yesterday's memory... As stopping alcohol, these kinds of past memories can be funny episodes for us. I would spend days watching or reading as usual.

2022/01/08 English

BGM: U2 "Bad"

Am I wrong? I'm thinking about that. Not putting myself as an autistic person into the world, but making the world into myself. Of course, I have to accept my bad points but I want to change this world. Show the self-size myself to the world and be proud of it... I was trying to do so. But now I think it has been wrong. I am just an autistic, outsider therefore wrong. But if so, I have to accept the fact that the existence of myself can be wrong, not the action of myself can be.

I have been in this world for 46 years. I have learned that long time (or too short?). I can be nobody except this person. How old I get, I would keep on reading and watching. I won't do surfing or snowboarding. That is me. And the group about autism I belong to says it's welcome even if I like reading and watching. The years I have walked with that group must be a long pleasant time for me.

Once, when I was a university student, I committed to a leftist movement. Although it was only three months, I agree with them because I have almost the same opinions with still now (I said "still now"). But thinking about the "tiny noise" I felt with them, I found that I couldn't endure their closed attitude and old-fashioned point of view. That is the reason so I won't ignore that kind of "tiny noise" which comes from hanch, and this is almost my policy of living. In contrast, if I don't feel that kind of "tiny noise", my direction might be right so I keep ongoing. Now I don't feel it so I still go. That is clear.

The night I watched a Netflix original documentary "Feminists". Now, this world is getting to realize the equality of gender. It has been brought about by feminists' steady efforts. In other words, feminists have been suffered from the men's society's closed structure. Common sense can be rewritten easily. Committing the group about autism, the point of view and basic knowledge about autism has been changed widely. If we say our opinions to society, the society itself would be able to be changed. I write this again. I can't be others and I won't need to be so.

2022/01/07 English

BGM: Phil Collins "Another Day In Paradise"

I've read Yoshikichi Furui's "My Essay-ism". An essay in this book lets me think about the life I could live in. "Alternative life" or "Alternative myself"... If I didn't encounter "the ice age of job hunting", I might be able to get a job in Tokyo after graduating from a university. I might be able to work at mass media as any publishment. Yes, quite a waste of time to think about. But thinking about such an "alternative life" means learning the fact that I am a powerless, small person. Learning that I am just a small person won't be bad.

Just like a character in Hirokazu Koreeda's movies, I sometimes think like "where was the critical point I made a mistake to make this life wrong?". I couldn't imagine this life when I was a Waseda student. What job is happy for me? But how the job I have would be, I would spend my time or life reading or watching. So the shape of my happiness is very clear. I might not be able to be a pro but keep on thinking and writing. That is my nature and it might be OK.

How long have I spent my time reading Yoshikichi Furui? I lost my words with reading "My Essay-ism" and learning about German literature, Japanese literature, the theory of creativity, and daily life. They are quite profound writings. Diving in himself and putting the thought with making proper words to describe what it should be. That kind of quiet and crisp language's movement products these essays. Therefore I respect his strong will or power of thinking. Furui's works will be read by a few, great readers. Could I be the one?

I want to write a novel but still can't do so. I have various things to want to write about. The movie "American Utopia" which I recently watched. The book "My Essay-ism" which I already wrote about. I might have too many things so I can't... I have to think about what I will write again. Why do I think I want to write a novel itself (and it should be in English which isn't my mother tongue)? I want to think about it and write. One day is not enough time to be spent writing a masterpiece even if they were geniuses. I need toughness.

2022/01/06 English

BGM: Original Love "JUMPIN' JACK JIVE"

Today I saw a blue sky. A brilliant sunny day... as I wrote this once, I remind of the days I had been drunken by alcohol on such a sunny day. I can't drive a car because of autism, so I could go nowhere once. I had just stayed at my home and been alone and drunk a lot of alcohol as saying "Why was I born?" on sunny day afternoons. Ah, what a silly... I cursed the world, politics, and myself. Now, at last, I have got the "self-sized" happiness. So I won't go back to the drunken days. I won't drink again.

Today, as I eat lunch, I thought "What am I doing?". I graduated from Waseda and am sitting here through a lot of events... It was pretty a long, long way. Maybe it is because there were no other choices. But I arrived here after walking the way by my choices. Yes, every choice has been done by me... So I don't want to blame someone else. I want to owe responsibilities of every choice. This life has been caused by my serious attitude. I think so, therefore responsibility of mine begins. And also I can feel that I can drive my life freely.

Once I believed that my job must be the one everyone could do. I still think so. Everyone can do my work... But making hip hop or writing novels also could be the "everyone can do" work. From there, the personality can appear and bring some magical products. That's the secret of work. Then, what can I produce? Today I have done my work. I can't see it can be called as the one by a pro. But I like my work. Is that some kind of self-love or selfish attitude?

The night I read Yoshikichi Furui's essays lightly. "My Essay-ism", "Days Of Soul", and "On Tokyo Story". I have read his writings for a long time. Looking inside myself leads to the truth of human beings. That was his attitude and I have been attracted by it. Now I won't blame or shout my opinion, instead having an interest in myself. What is the thing which attracts me? Why am I so? But now I'm in movie mode so couldn't read them well. I should accept myself which has the waves that control and sometimes interrupt my reading.

2022/01/05 English

BGM: Sadistic Mika Band "Wishes for Time Machine"

Today was the day of the hospital. But all I did was just being got medicines. Doing payment, I found that I had lost the important paper for doing it. I went to the city office and asked to get a new one again (Yes, very troublesome but I didn't want to do it late this year). I was embarrassed because this came from my autism even if it was just the beginning of the year. I went to libraries and borrowed Yoshikichi Furui's "Days of Soul" and Nobuhiko Kobayashi's "Definite The Japanese Comedians". But now my interest is in the "movie mode" so I couldn't read anything easily. Yes, I can read nothing and it's OK... The day off was spent by them.

I watched Jim Jarmusch's "Coffee and Cigarettes". This movie contains 11 stories about the title. Every story has an interested "twist" in it and therefore it's cool. All the actors play the book with their understanding and acting with caring its tempo and expression of faces. That might be the source of this movie's charm. I have never done smoking and I won't, but I felt that it was cool when I saw the characters doing smoking. The episode of Tom Waits and Iggy Pop was the coolest for me. They are sexy in their existence and also full of energy.

The night I went to the "stop-drinking-alcohol" meeting. I talked about my story of the new year. Once I was a heavy drinker, I spent the end day of the year with alcohol and did eat nothing even if my mother had made it for me... It was about 5 years when I learned the meetings and decided to stop drinking. I learned how to spend my lonely time by keeping on attending them, and it was one of the good things I have learned. Facing loneliness and learning what is me, and the ideas from that facing can be the stories for the meetings. I have done such an activity so learned how to avoid drinking. This year what story will I talk about at the meetings?

After that, I watched Jim Jarmusch's "Ghost Dog". I wanted to read Yoshikichi Furui's book but I couldn't stop watching this movie. Jim Jarmusch had made a unique character who likes to read the book "HAGAKURE", and it is very Jarmusch like because it shows his intelligence. The story which was told with sophisticated hip-hop sound had great taste. I have never watched his movies completely, so I want to watch them more. Watching movies, I can feel that I can open various closed doors. I always get surprised because I can find something flesh from these closed ones. Movies are the way to connect me to the vast world.

2022/01/04 English

BGM: Julia Fordham "Happy Ever After"

The first three days of this year have gone by. I had a workday and a day off. I spent three days as usual so couldn't enjoy the feeling of the beginning. I have not visited a shrine... How will this year be? It was busy so I couldn't enjoy reading, although I have watched movies too much... I found that chatting with someone or writing letters to them is pleasant by talking with a friend in Kyusyu about "American Utopia". So, even it is just the beginning of the year, I thought I should write a novel. The title is "To Marco Stanley Fogg". I will write this little by little.

Sometimes I think I'm too small. What could I get if I did this? Anytime I watch movies by subscription, I have an idea that says "Why should I watch such a movie like a snack?" and can't start doing it easily. Antonio Inoki, who I respect, says "Don't worry, you can find what it means". Sometimes, I should just do something without thinking, move to somewhere with blindness. Now I am helped as a user of a group home. But it was because when I had needed help as an autistic person. I had googled every day and, at last, found the website... That's life.

Moving by the guide of inner myself. Trusting the inspiration, the hunch. Don't fight it, feel it... So I am never being a logical person. I am moved by the boiled thought, flooding emotion. Living with no plans or making sense. Just thinking "so-so is OK". When I watch movies, I have been moved by the enigmatic feeling or sense. I am just trying to make words from them. I am an enigma. Or I am a universe. I can accept this right now so I can stay calm.

The night I watched the Coen brothers' movie "Inside Llewyn Davis". In the movie, the warm touching of folk songs and the cold scenery of New York's streets are mixed. Therefore it has a strange and unique touch. "Where did I make a mistake?" or "Why could this life be?"... but we have to live if we want to do so. I don't like Coen's movies so just have watched "Fargo" only (but I'm writing about movies boldly). This year, I should watch Coens' works.